After 15+ years of experience playing, training and coaching in girls’ and women’s hockey, I can tell you that the biggest difference between male and female hockey is CONFIDENCE.  Boys tend to be OVER-confident in their abilities, while girls tend to be UNDER-confident in themselves.

 

Let me give you an example…

 

A few years back, when I was coaching a team of 11-12 year olds, I had one player who had never scored a goal before in a game.  She never complained about it or got frustrated, but like any player she wanted to feel the excitement and pride of putting the puck in the net.

 

And then in one game, it all came together.  Not only did this player score her first goal ever – she actually scored a hat-trick!  You can only imagine how excited the rest of us were on the bench, watching her play one of her best games ever.  When the game was finished, I went up to congratulate her on all her patience and hard work – which finally paid off in a great performance.

 

And you’ll never guess what she said to me…

 

“But I made that stupid pass on the power-play and they scored!”

 

And she was right.  She made a blind pass across our zone on the  power-play breakout that got picked off by their penalty killer who got a breakaway and scored.  It was definitely a noticeable mistake.  BUT – it is also not something that should over-shadow the fact this player scored her first three goals ever all in one game!

 

I shared this “Hat Trick” story last night at a seminar I gave to coaches. And every time I tell it in person, everyone in the room nods their heads in agreement.  Because as ridiculous as that young player’s reaction seems, we’ve all seen it before.  I know that I definitely would have responded in the same way when I was her age!

 

Most of the girls hockey players I’ve met – myself included – have a horrible habit of constantly downplaying our accomplishments.  It’s like we think nothing is ever good enough.  This isn’t a completely negative thing – because it pushes us to want to be better. But being unable or unwilling to own your accomplishments does absolutely nothing for building up our confidence.

 

So… WHY do we do this in the first place?

 

I can tell you that it’s not because we’re fishing for compliments. We don’t say things like, “I sucked that game” or “I’m the worst player ever” because we want our teammates, parents or coaches to tell us how wonderful we are.  When someone tells us we played a “good game”, we don’t say “I could have done X, Y and Z better” because we truly believe that we aren’t any good.

 

The truth is – we’re scared of being good.

 

If a player wants to play at the next level, and is willing to put in the time and energy needed to get there, she runs the risk of being seen as an over-achiever or kiss-up by her teammates.  We worry that if we take ownership of our accomplishments and graciously accept the praise of others, people are going to think we’re “cocky”.  It takes a tremendous amount of confidence to push yourself towards your dream, risk failure and face the judgement of others. Some people are going to be supportive while others might not believe that you can do it.

 

I will never forget how one of my teammates in high school openly doubted  the fact I would reach my dream of playing NCAA hockey at an Ivy League school.  She wasn’t even discrete about it – she thought I was being cocky and unrealistic in pursuing my lofty goals.  And the truth is, she could have been right.  After all, who would have thought that someone who only started playing at the age of 13 had any business dreaming about playing hockey at one of the best academic and athletic schools in North America.  I can totally see how she might have thought I was being unrealistic. It bothered me that she would say these negative things about me and I could have started to doubt myself, question my decision to pursue the dream and let my foot off the gas.

 

But I didn’t.

 

Everyone who has realized a lofty goal has faced adversity. You see it time and time again in sport, school and life. In hockey, those challenges can come in the form of injuries, getting cut, or having people tell you that you can’t make it.

 

All of these things make us doubt ourselves and grate on our confidence.  This self-doubt and lack of confidence can plague even the most talented players.  Because no matter how talented or motivated a player is, the hardest part about developing confidence is that it’s NOT something anyone can give you.

 

Confidence doesn’t come from your teammates, coach or parents.  They can support you along the way as you pursue your goals.  But at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own confidence. You HAVE to learn how to build up YOUR OWN confidence. Because if you don’t, and you rely on getting it from others, you risk being disappointed and frustrated when they don’t give you everything you need.

 

Your friend and coach,

 

 

~ Kim

 

Kim McCullough, MSc, YCS
Director, Total Female Hockey

Girls Hockey Director, PEAC School For Elite Athletes