I read an incredible story of dealing with the aftermath of a concussion yesterday.

It really hit home for me for a couple of reasons:

HOW IT HAPPENED:  My first serious concussion (meaning I probably had a few
before the first BIG one, but didn’t report it or didn’t think it was a big deal because
I was a tough hockey player) was from a seemingly minor shot to the head that
I took while driving hard to the net in a college game. I didn’t fall over. I didn’t
hear bells ringing. I didn’t feel nauseous. I scored on the play. In fact, I went on
to score 5 points in that game AFTER getting hit. I didn’t tell anyone. It wasn’t until
after the game that I felt dizzy, nauseous and had to lay on the floor of the team
bus on the way back to Dartmouth because everything was spinning.  The hit
seemed so harmless at the time – no one saw it or asked me about it when I got
to the bench so it wasn’t anything that I thought I could lead to a brain injury.

GUILT:  I remember feeling ‘bad’ about having a concussion and apologizing

to teammates, coaches, friends, family for not being able to play, go to class,
or be a normal college student.  I would lay in the dark room thinking about
how I was letting my teammates down, how I didn’t even have a ‘real’ injury
and how maybe I just needed to suck it up and go back to class and practice.
So I’d get up to go for a walk or try to study, and immediately feel like I got
hit by a train and have to lay back down and bed and wallow in self-pity.
Super fun stuff for a incredibly driven person used to going at a million miles
an hour every single day.

STUPIDITY:  I definitely went back to playing way too quickly after that concussion
knowing that I wasn’t quite ‘right’ but not knowing what else to do since so much
of my identity was wrapped up in being an elite athlete and hockey player.
It seemed like the ‘right’ thing to do at the time, but it was stupid, and I knew it.
I just didn’t know what else to do.

Thankfully, my first BIG concussion (I think I’ve had at least 6 or 7 total between
college hockey, pro hockey and mountain biking) coincided with the start of
exams and holiday break at college. So while we had practices and I had a
serious amount of studying to do, I didn’t miss any games. I ended up having
to defer all my exams until a month later due to the aftermath, but I guarantee
you that if there had been a game the following weekend, I know would have
found a way to be on the ice for it.

I have NEVER missed a game due to sickness or injury or any other reason
in my entire hockey career.  From the time I started at 13 until I retired at 28,
I played in EVERY game.  I played the next day after getting hit from behind
and feeling like I no longer had any strength in muscles because my nerves
weren’t firing properly. I played a few months after having a disc removed
from my back (which was a result of that hit from behind).  I played in a college
national championship game on the SAME day I was hospitalized with severe
food poisoning. I broken my collarbone on the day of a plane trip
across the country to head to Senior AAA nationals and played every game
with my upper arm taped to my side. You name it, I played through it.

And to be honest, it’s something that I’m proud of. I’m not saying it was the
smartest thing ever or that I would recommend you do it too, but I think it says
a great deal about a player’s character if they don’t take days off.  If they are
willing and able to fight through pain. Call me old school but that willingness
and ability to pay the price is something that I know my coaches and teammates
valued and it’s something that made me a tougher player and person.
I know of many other players, coaches and parents who think the same way.

And when I read Adam’s article yesterday, I felt like he was sharing my story.
And he is sharing the same story of so many other players who have gone
through the fear, pain, sadness, confusion and frustration of having a bad
concussion.  He’s also a fellow Dartmouth grad so I had to share it 🙂

Here’s the story:
http://www.theplayerstribune.com/adam-estoclet-hockey-concussion/

Please take the time to read it and pass it along to anyone and everyone
that you think might benefit from it.

Sharing our stories helps us come out of the darkness. There is nothing
to be ashamed of. We all know how serious concussions can be, and
by sharing our experiences, hopefully we can help some other players
who are going through the same ordeal see some light at the end of
the tunnel.

Keep Working Hard and Dreaming BIG.

Your friend and coach,

Kim

Kim McCullough, MSc, YCS

Director & Founder, Total Female Hockey