Let me set the stage for you.

Your team just finished playing a game. It was a close one that finished with a final score of 3-2. Your team battled hard, had their chances to win it but your opponent scored late to win it.

Losing is never easy and in the minutes right after the game, players are upset. They are usually upset with themselves – thinking more about what they could have done personally to help the team win than what the whole team could have done differently.

You walk in the room and a teammate tells your best player, “You played a great game.” And they are right – the kid had 1 goal and 1 assist and was a beast on both the offensive and defensive sides of the puck. There is no doubt she gave it her all from start to finish and she is consistently one of your top players game after game.

So what does your best player say in response?

She should definitely say thank you. And probably also give her teammate a compliment related to the game they just played.

But that doesn’t always happen.

Most players will says thanks but then they say something like, “But I really didn’t play very well. I can’t believe I missed that shot. And I wasn’t very good on defense”.

I’m sure many of you who have played or coached girls hockey are nodding your heads right now.

When someone gives a young female athlete a compliment, her first instinct is rarely to say, “Thank you. I thought I played a strong game too.” Usually they “Thanks but…” and go on to diminish their accomplishments and abilities. And I think that needs to change.

I 100% understand that young players don’t want to come off as being cocky or full of themselves. And I can see how they might think that taking that compliment and praising their own play could come off as being conceited.

But it’s not. It’s so important that all athletes own their accomplishments and fight the urge to put themselves down. It is even more important when we’re looking at young female athletes who don’t exactly have the highest confidence levels to begin with. We shouldn’t be worried that people are going to think we’re cocky when we say thanks to a compliment after playing a strong game. We should be celebrating our successes.

Girls tend to be under-confident in their abilities, whereas boys tend to be over-confident. Maybe girls downplay their awesomeness because they don’t want to be seen like that cocky boy in their class who actually isn’t very good but goes around telling everyone what a star he is. Maybe girls are scared that teammates are going to be jealous and whisper behind their back about, “Oh Sally thinks she’s so great. She is always bragging.”

Listen I get it. I’ve been a young female athlete. I wasn’t always a good player but once I started to be an impact player on my teams, I heard the whispers and maybe downplayed some of my success because I was worried how other people would react.

But that needs to stop. Just because that’s what most players do, that doesn’t make it normal or right. Screaming from the treetops about your awesomeness probably isn’t the right solution but it’s better than not taking that compliment. And here’s why.

Let’s go back to that scenario in the dressing room with your best player again.

She gets that compliment and downplays it in front of everyone. She is clearly one of your team’s top players and now she’s talking about how bad she was in that game.

So how does that make her teammates feel?

If we’re being honest, most of the players in that room are actually worse than her. They probably didn’t play as well as she did and maybe aren’t going to get any compliments about their play after this game. One of them probably is the worst player on the team.

So when your clear-cut best player on the team plays a great game but takes that compliment badly, she’s making everyone else in the room feel worse. I know it’s not her responsibility to build up the confidence of others, but it is her responsibility as a teammate not to cut down their confidence either.

So take the compliment. Say thank you and maybe even tell that person something you did well that you’re proud of that game. And if you can give them an honest compliment back, that would be even more awesome. You’re not being cocky, you’re being honest and you’re increasing the positivity and confidence of that room and team.

Work Hard. Dream BIG. Stay Humble and Be Proud.

Your friend and coach,

Kim

PS – Since the theme this week is about celebrating your accomplishments, I wanted to announce that I am being inducted into the Leaside Sports Hall of Fame in a few weeks here in Toronto as an athlete and builder: https://www.torontoleasidewildcats.ca/league-news/leaside-sports-hall-of-fame-inductee/ . I played for the Leaside organization for my entire minor hockey career and have been coaching in Leaside for the past 11 years. I am so proud to receive this great honor from the community and immediately think about all the great coaches, teammates and players I have met along the way in my playing and coaching career. It is an honor and a privilege to be called “Coach” by the athletes I work with every day as well as all the players, coaches and families I connect with through Total Female Hockey. Since day one of starting my business and my coaching career, my inspiration has been the athletes. I see myself in every single one of them – eager, ready to learn, driven and determined to succeed. I remember being that 13 year old starting rep hockey who could barely skate and immediately feeling at home with my teammates and coaches. I was welcomed, encouraged, pushed and challenged. So thanks to all of you in the Total Female Hockey community who have called me Coach and allowed me to empower and inspire you along the way.

Kim McCullough, MSc, YCS

Director & Founder, Total Female Hockey